I feel so lost still. Im angry and numb all at the same time. I want to cry and get it all out but I just can't. And I feel so stupid. Things haven't really been all that great in our relationship before this happened but I just glossed it all over, made excuses or pretended everything was fine. I've felt like there was something missing for awhile now. But what the hell can you expect when you go from one fucked up marriage straight into another fucked up situation. I feel so ashamed. Im petrified of change and because of it Im stuck. I have kids to think about and I have virtually no skills so that I can support them on my own. Im trapped once again. I don't know if I'm here because I want to be or because I need to be. I look at other aspects of my life and realize how different things could be. But I fucked it all up. In some aspects I know Im a damn good mother but in others Im a complete failure. And as I type this little rant of mine, I can't help but let a few tears escape. The strange part is, Im not crying because of the messed up stuff with my husband, I'm crying because I feel like a complete failure to my children. What kind of mother let's herself get trapped into depending on somebody else not just once, but twice?! What am I teaching my kids? But I also see the difference in kids who go to daycare all day versus when a parent can be home with them. My kids are so smart and we have such great connections. But is it worth the price that it feels like we're paying? So many questions. So little answers.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
The stranger I married
You ever hear the saying that you never really know somebody? Well believe me, it's true. My husband, who I've know since I was 13, I'm now 32, is a complete stranger to me. And it happened in the course of just a few minutes. I just found out that he has two more children. Honestly, I knew about the first one but I was told that she wouldn't let him have anything to do with the baby. His ex wife and him always had problems, some his fault and some hers. He had a "one night stand" one night, resulting in a baby girl. He didn't tell his wife about it until the day the baby was born. They had a paternity test done and the baby is in fact his. She's now almost seven years old. Fast forward a little bit and he slept with her again while him and the wife were separated. He knew she was pregnant. He tried to convince her to get an abortion. Obviously she didn't. At two different times, she stayed with him and he stayed with her. Eventually he and his wife got back together. He never told anybody. She even tried contacting him when the second baby was a year old, in the hospital almost dying from breathing problems. He denies all knowledge of this. Fast forward again. Baby number two is now five years old. The girls are always asking their mother why they don't have a dad. So she messages him again. She made it clear that she doesn't want anything, just for him to meet his kids. If I hadn't walked in the house when I did and asked him what was wrong, I'm not sure he ever would have told me about them. Long story short, I spent two days talking to the mother and together we took our daughter Riley to meet her sisters.
The end. Happily ever after,
Yeah right, This is far from a fairy tale. I'm pissed. I feel so betrayed. I'm not upset that he has other kids. Shit happens. I've already accepted them. I'm upset at the way he went about everything. He won't just man up and admit to what he did. He's not denying that either child is his. He's denying any memory of knowing about the second baby or of remembering sleeping with the mother, living together (twice), or of telling her to have an abortion. In my mind he's become a stranger. A douche bag honestly. And he keeps acting like nothing is wrong. Like he's the victim in this and nobody else. He expects me to be the loving wife I've always been when in all reality I just want to punch him in the throat and file for an annulment. We've only been married for three months after all. I waited so long to finally agree to marry him after already being married to my ex for ten years who is also a liar. I can't stand to look at him much less talk to him or let him touch me. I keep telling him that if he has any hope of us getting through this with our marriage intact that he needs to leave me the hell alone and just let me process everything and work through my anger. I'm not ready to talk to him about any of this. I can't guarantee that I ever will but the more he pushes me, the worst it is for him.
One minute I'm pissed. The next sad. But mostly I'm just numb. I'm operating on autopilot. Never far away from the crying nervous breakdown that I know I both need and deserve. It just won't come. I think that's bad. Really bad. Either things are so broken that I just don't care anymore or when I do finally break it's going to be seriously bad. I just don't know.
The end. Happily ever after,
Yeah right, This is far from a fairy tale. I'm pissed. I feel so betrayed. I'm not upset that he has other kids. Shit happens. I've already accepted them. I'm upset at the way he went about everything. He won't just man up and admit to what he did. He's not denying that either child is his. He's denying any memory of knowing about the second baby or of remembering sleeping with the mother, living together (twice), or of telling her to have an abortion. In my mind he's become a stranger. A douche bag honestly. And he keeps acting like nothing is wrong. Like he's the victim in this and nobody else. He expects me to be the loving wife I've always been when in all reality I just want to punch him in the throat and file for an annulment. We've only been married for three months after all. I waited so long to finally agree to marry him after already being married to my ex for ten years who is also a liar. I can't stand to look at him much less talk to him or let him touch me. I keep telling him that if he has any hope of us getting through this with our marriage intact that he needs to leave me the hell alone and just let me process everything and work through my anger. I'm not ready to talk to him about any of this. I can't guarantee that I ever will but the more he pushes me, the worst it is for him.
One minute I'm pissed. The next sad. But mostly I'm just numb. I'm operating on autopilot. Never far away from the crying nervous breakdown that I know I both need and deserve. It just won't come. I think that's bad. Really bad. Either things are so broken that I just don't care anymore or when I do finally break it's going to be seriously bad. I just don't know.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Dear two year old,
Dear two year,
I love you dearly but I have to ask, are you bipolar or are you just trying to drive me bat shit crazy? I'm serious, one minute you're so sweet and giving me hugs and kisses and then the next minute you're screaming bloody murder because I said that you can't have cereal for the third time today. You lift your little arms up to me for consoling then as soon as I sit you on my lap for a hug, you slide off, thrown yourself on the floor and go back to screaming. This goes on for thirty minutes or so before you run off to your room because you heard your sister playing with Barbies. I take a huge sigh of relief that your meltdown is over. But the dramatics are never truly over. It's more like the calm before the storm. Next thing I know you're in hysterics simply because you can't find the exact barbie shoes you wanted even though there are five pairs sitting right in front of you. You've also decided that you have to have the barbie that you're sister has spent the last twenty minutes playing with. I have to defend your sister and tell you that she had it first when all I really want to do is scream "OH MY GOD, JUST GIVE HER THE DAMN THING!" But I'm a responsible parent so of course I can't do that. So I resort to turning on your favorite show. Have I mentioned how sick I am of watching Mickey Mouse? But it's not enough to sit with me on the couch, you need your favorite blanket, your favorite pillow, and at least 5 out of 20 of your favorite stuffed animals. And Heaven forbid if I don't know where any of these are!
What other offenses have I committed today to make you act out the scariest scenes of Exorcist?
I love you dearly but I have to ask, are you bipolar or are you just trying to drive me bat shit crazy? I'm serious, one minute you're so sweet and giving me hugs and kisses and then the next minute you're screaming bloody murder because I said that you can't have cereal for the third time today. You lift your little arms up to me for consoling then as soon as I sit you on my lap for a hug, you slide off, thrown yourself on the floor and go back to screaming. This goes on for thirty minutes or so before you run off to your room because you heard your sister playing with Barbies. I take a huge sigh of relief that your meltdown is over. But the dramatics are never truly over. It's more like the calm before the storm. Next thing I know you're in hysterics simply because you can't find the exact barbie shoes you wanted even though there are five pairs sitting right in front of you. You've also decided that you have to have the barbie that you're sister has spent the last twenty minutes playing with. I have to defend your sister and tell you that she had it first when all I really want to do is scream "OH MY GOD, JUST GIVE HER THE DAMN THING!" But I'm a responsible parent so of course I can't do that. So I resort to turning on your favorite show. Have I mentioned how sick I am of watching Mickey Mouse? But it's not enough to sit with me on the couch, you need your favorite blanket, your favorite pillow, and at least 5 out of 20 of your favorite stuffed animals. And Heaven forbid if I don't know where any of these are!
What other offenses have I committed today to make you act out the scariest scenes of Exorcist?
I told you that you can't have my coffee. (which you then drank as soon as I walked out of the room)
I put my icee up where you can't reach it. (you then just waited till I walked away, dumped out the barbie crate, flipped it upside down, and used it to reach the icee)
I told you that you can't have a pop tart at 4:30 when I'm about to start dinner in half an hour.
I told you no to going outside to play when it's pouring down rain.
I told you that you had to clean up the blocks that you scattered all over my living room floor.
I told you that you can't use crayons to draw on the dry erase board.
I told you to sit down at the table and eat your dinner.
And the biggest offense of all......I informed you that it was BED TIME!
But as big of a pain in the ass as you are, I love you to the moon and back. And one day, when you're a parent, and your kids are driving you crazy to the point of needing a straight jacket, I can sit back and laugh knowing that revenge has been served! lol
No More Tattling!
This is actually a repost from my old blog in 2013. Three of these kids no longer live with us but the tattling rule still remains.
We have a lot of kids in our house, ok more than a lot. Some days I can't even count them all or keep their names straight. Anyways, because of how many there are, there is a lot of tattling! Enough that if you actually listened to it all, you would want to bash your head against a brick wall. Don't give me that look, I know you've been there too!
Hunter took my toy! Holly hit me! Aiden is hanging from the rod in the closet! Anthony choked me! Alexis won't talk to me! Jordyn won't shut up! Holly said I'm a jerk! Hunter said he hates me! Aiden said he's not my friend anymore! Holly and Aiden played in the dog poop! Is your brain starting to melt yet? Yeah mine too!
So now every time one of them comes to tattle I repeat the same thing.
Unless it falls into one of those categories, shake it off, you'll be fine. I bet I'm going to be getting that Mommy of the Year award soon after this post! :)
We have a lot of kids in our house, ok more than a lot. Some days I can't even count them all or keep their names straight. Anyways, because of how many there are, there is a lot of tattling! Enough that if you actually listened to it all, you would want to bash your head against a brick wall. Don't give me that look, I know you've been there too!
Hunter took my toy! Holly hit me! Aiden is hanging from the rod in the closet! Anthony choked me! Alexis won't talk to me! Jordyn won't shut up! Holly said I'm a jerk! Hunter said he hates me! Aiden said he's not my friend anymore! Holly and Aiden played in the dog poop! Is your brain starting to melt yet? Yeah mine too!
So now every time one of them comes to tattle I repeat the same thing.
- Dead
- Dying
- Bleeding
- Vomiting
- Diarrhea
- Bones protruding
- Or siblings resorting to cannibalism
Unless it falls into one of those categories, shake it off, you'll be fine. I bet I'm going to be getting that Mommy of the Year award soon after this post! :)
Friday, January 30, 2015
Our Beginning
There are two phrases in our sixteen years of knowing each other that really stick out in my mind and in a way define our relationship. The first, spoken in the sarcastic and naive way of a thirteen year old girl. "Hi! Who the hell are you?" The second was spoken sixteen years later by a very determined man. "I meant what I said earlier. I'm never letting you go again." These two instances play over and over in my head just about every day. Would the second statement ever have happened if the first one had never been uttered?
We were thirteen and fifteen when we met. A mutual friend kept telling him that he had to meet me and eventually he dragged him over to my apartment to do just that. According to him, he was pretty much hooked right when those words left my mouth. Ever since then it's been me and him. Within a week or two he asked me out. I was in the pool with some friends when he asked me to come here. Naturally, there was no way my self conscious self was climbing out so I went over to the edge. He asked me out. I was thrilled but managed to very calmly say yes. I then proceeded to turn around and continue talking to my other friends. Lucky for me, he's always seemed amused by my personality and little quirks. Another boy may have been offended. Not him though. I will never forget how he leaned down and from the side of the pool, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and whispered "Thank you" in my ear. Thinking back on it I don't think I realized it then, but I'm pretty sure that was the moment he claimed my heart.
I didn't find out until later that I was his very first girlfriend. We dated off and on for a few years yet even when we weren't actually together, you wouldn't know it. Even if we were dating other people we still cuddled and talked and went places together. No matter what happened between us we always remained best friends. Nobody really ever understood our relationship. The biggest thing that people couldn't believe was that we were never sexual with each other, not even any real kisses. Even when we dated again after each of us had lost our virginity, we never went there. Not that the thoughts or opportunities weren't there, it just never seemed right. We were left alone constantly. My Dad loved him, he was always welcome in our home. No matter what time it was or even if I was grounded, Dad's answer to his knock at the door was the same, "Come on in."
When my step-mom came along she used to tell us that one day, one of us would move away (I did), we would marry other people and have kids (we both did), but that eventually we would end up together for good. She said that she would write this down and have it framed as our wedding present. That day finally happened just over a month ago.
We were thirteen and fifteen when we met. A mutual friend kept telling him that he had to meet me and eventually he dragged him over to my apartment to do just that. According to him, he was pretty much hooked right when those words left my mouth. Ever since then it's been me and him. Within a week or two he asked me out. I was in the pool with some friends when he asked me to come here. Naturally, there was no way my self conscious self was climbing out so I went over to the edge. He asked me out. I was thrilled but managed to very calmly say yes. I then proceeded to turn around and continue talking to my other friends. Lucky for me, he's always seemed amused by my personality and little quirks. Another boy may have been offended. Not him though. I will never forget how he leaned down and from the side of the pool, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and whispered "Thank you" in my ear. Thinking back on it I don't think I realized it then, but I'm pretty sure that was the moment he claimed my heart.
I didn't find out until later that I was his very first girlfriend. We dated off and on for a few years yet even when we weren't actually together, you wouldn't know it. Even if we were dating other people we still cuddled and talked and went places together. No matter what happened between us we always remained best friends. Nobody really ever understood our relationship. The biggest thing that people couldn't believe was that we were never sexual with each other, not even any real kisses. Even when we dated again after each of us had lost our virginity, we never went there. Not that the thoughts or opportunities weren't there, it just never seemed right. We were left alone constantly. My Dad loved him, he was always welcome in our home. No matter what time it was or even if I was grounded, Dad's answer to his knock at the door was the same, "Come on in."
When my step-mom came along she used to tell us that one day, one of us would move away (I did), we would marry other people and have kids (we both did), but that eventually we would end up together for good. She said that she would write this down and have it framed as our wedding present. That day finally happened just over a month ago.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
My dear sweet husband....
Dear Husband,
Here we are at the end of the week and the house looks like shit. Actually, I don't look so hot myself. You may think that I've spent all week doing absolutely nothing, watching TV and eating chocolate all day. Though if you've looked in the fridge lately you'll remember that we don't have any good chocolate and haven't in awhile. So here's how my week from Monday to Wednesday went, or at least what I remember of it. Riley. Coughing. Crying. Whining. Not napping. Hardly eating. Not sleeping at night. Not staying in her bed at night. "Sleeping" on top of me. Squishing me in between you two. Add to that the other four children (plus the one extra that I watched yesterday) whining, crying and not listening. Now put this on a constant repeat. I swear they've all been bathed and fed this week. I've cleaned the living room probably two dozen times. I've managed one shower for myself and I've managed to not give in to the constant urge to cry because of frustration and lack of sleep.
This takes us to Thursday. Riley actually slept last night! OMG I was so excited when I woke up today! I was still tired but I didn't feel like having a nervous breakdown. Holly and Riley were reasonably well behaved in the morning. I cleaned up the toys in the living room, again. Swept the floor. It didn't look too bad. I even managed to get a little work done on my blog! Since then, Riley has dumped her bowl of nummies on the couch, then onto the floor I don't know how many times. And scattered toys all over the room yet again. Her and Holly even finally took naps today. That's where Riley's good mood ended. Since waking up she's been whiny, demanding, clingy and in general just a pain in my ass. It's barely 2:30 in the afternoon and it will only get worse when the other demon spawns get home from school in a little bit.
So, I love you. I missed you. And I hope you had a wonderful day at work. If I'm less than sweet and lovable when you get home tonight, I'm truly sorry. But Riley started it.
Here we are at the end of the week and the house looks like shit. Actually, I don't look so hot myself. You may think that I've spent all week doing absolutely nothing, watching TV and eating chocolate all day. Though if you've looked in the fridge lately you'll remember that we don't have any good chocolate and haven't in awhile. So here's how my week from Monday to Wednesday went, or at least what I remember of it. Riley. Coughing. Crying. Whining. Not napping. Hardly eating. Not sleeping at night. Not staying in her bed at night. "Sleeping" on top of me. Squishing me in between you two. Add to that the other four children (plus the one extra that I watched yesterday) whining, crying and not listening. Now put this on a constant repeat. I swear they've all been bathed and fed this week. I've cleaned the living room probably two dozen times. I've managed one shower for myself and I've managed to not give in to the constant urge to cry because of frustration and lack of sleep.
This takes us to Thursday. Riley actually slept last night! OMG I was so excited when I woke up today! I was still tired but I didn't feel like having a nervous breakdown. Holly and Riley were reasonably well behaved in the morning. I cleaned up the toys in the living room, again. Swept the floor. It didn't look too bad. I even managed to get a little work done on my blog! Since then, Riley has dumped her bowl of nummies on the couch, then onto the floor I don't know how many times. And scattered toys all over the room yet again. Her and Holly even finally took naps today. That's where Riley's good mood ended. Since waking up she's been whiny, demanding, clingy and in general just a pain in my ass. It's barely 2:30 in the afternoon and it will only get worse when the other demon spawns get home from school in a little bit.
So, I love you. I missed you. And I hope you had a wonderful day at work. If I'm less than sweet and lovable when you get home tonight, I'm truly sorry. But Riley started it.
To Blog or Not to Blog....
Sometimes blogging sucks! There I said it. Trying to figure out which backgrounds work the best. What kind of social media sites you need to be connected to. If anybody actually reads or cares about what you have to say or if you are just randomly babbling to yourself. Trying to not offend or generally piss off any guilty parties who read your blog when you really need to vent about them or hire a hit man. And starting over with a new blog when you put so much time and effort into your first one. There, did I cover all the sucky aspects of having a blog?
But it's also wonderful to have a blog. Somewhere that you can just babble to yourself without worrying that people think you're strange as hell. Yeah, they can comment, but you don't have to post their comment. It's a liberating feeling. There's been many times where blogging has saved my sanity after a day of dealing with these little demanding people who call me Mommy. It's honestly a perfect time out for me. I get out whatever they have done to drive me bat shit crazy, they get to live, and I don't have to take a xanax. It's a win win situation.
But the absolute best part of having a blog, is the community. It's reading what others have to say and finding out that as crazy as your life may be, you're not alone. And sometimes finding out that you're not nearly as crazy as some others! lol. So as overwhelmed as I may get with my blog sometimes, I think I'll stick with it. Besides, it's way cheaper than therapy!
But it's also wonderful to have a blog. Somewhere that you can just babble to yourself without worrying that people think you're strange as hell. Yeah, they can comment, but you don't have to post their comment. It's a liberating feeling. There's been many times where blogging has saved my sanity after a day of dealing with these little demanding people who call me Mommy. It's honestly a perfect time out for me. I get out whatever they have done to drive me bat shit crazy, they get to live, and I don't have to take a xanax. It's a win win situation.
But the absolute best part of having a blog, is the community. It's reading what others have to say and finding out that as crazy as your life may be, you're not alone. And sometimes finding out that you're not nearly as crazy as some others! lol. So as overwhelmed as I may get with my blog sometimes, I think I'll stick with it. Besides, it's way cheaper than therapy!
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