Trapped

I feel so lost still. Im angry and numb all at the same time. I want to cry and get it all out but I just can't. And I feel so stupid. Things haven't really been all that great in our relationship before this happened but I just glossed it all over, made excuses or pretended everything was fine. I've felt like there was something missing for awhile now. But what the hell can you expect when you go from one fucked up marriage straight into another fucked up situation. I feel so ashamed. Im petrified of change and because of it Im stuck. I have kids to think about and I have virtually no skills so that I can support them on my own. Im trapped once again. I don't know if I'm here because I want to be or because I need to be. I look at other aspects of my life and realize how different things could be. But I fucked it all up. In some aspects I know Im a damn good mother but in others Im a complete failure. And as I type this little rant of mine, I can't help but let a few tears escape. The strange part is, Im not crying because of the messed up stuff with my husband, I'm crying because I feel like a complete failure to my children. What kind of mother let's herself get trapped into depending on somebody else not just once, but twice?! What am I teaching my kids? But I also see the difference in kids who go to daycare all day versus when a parent can be home with them. My kids are so smart and we have such great connections. But is it worth the price that it feels like we're paying? So many questions. So little answers.

The stranger I married

You ever hear the saying that you never really know somebody? Well believe me, it's true. My husband, who I've know since I was 13, I'm now 32, is a complete stranger to me. And it happened in the course of just a few minutes. I just found out that he has two more children. Honestly, I knew about the first one but I was told that she wouldn't let him have anything to do with the baby. His ex wife and him always had problems, some his fault and some hers. He had a "one night stand" one night, resulting in a baby girl. He didn't tell his wife about it until the day the baby was born. They had a paternity test done and the baby is in fact his. She's now almost seven years old. Fast forward a little bit and he slept with her again while him and the wife were separated. He knew she was pregnant. He tried to convince her to get an abortion. Obviously she didn't. At two different times, she stayed with him and he stayed with her. Eventually he and his wife got back together. He never told anybody. She even tried contacting him when the second baby was a year old, in the hospital almost dying from breathing problems. He denies all knowledge of this. Fast forward again. Baby number two is now five years old. The girls are always asking their mother why they don't have a dad. So she messages him again. She made it clear that she doesn't want anything, just for him to meet his kids. If I hadn't walked in the house when I did and asked him what was wrong, I'm not sure he ever would have told me about them. Long story short, I spent two days talking to the mother and together we took our daughter Riley to meet her sisters.

The end. Happily ever after,

Yeah right, This is far from a fairy tale. I'm pissed. I feel so betrayed. I'm not upset that he has other kids. Shit happens. I've already accepted them. I'm upset at the way he went about everything. He won't just man up and admit to what he did. He's not denying that either child is his. He's denying any memory of knowing about the second baby or of remembering sleeping with the mother, living together (twice), or of telling her to have an abortion. In my mind he's become a stranger. A douche bag honestly. And he keeps acting like nothing is wrong. Like he's the victim in this and nobody else. He expects me to be the loving wife I've always been when in all reality I just want to punch him in the throat and file for an annulment. We've only been married for three months after all. I waited so long to finally agree to marry him after already being married to my ex for ten years who is also a liar. I can't stand to look at him much less talk to him or let him touch me. I keep telling him that if he has any hope of us getting through this with our marriage intact that he needs to leave me the hell alone and just let me process everything and work through my anger. I'm not ready to talk to him about any of this. I can't guarantee that I ever will but the more he pushes me, the worst it is for him.

One minute I'm pissed. The next sad. But mostly I'm just numb. I'm operating on autopilot. Never far away from the crying nervous breakdown that I know I both need and deserve. It just won't come. I think that's bad. Really bad. Either things are so broken that I just don't care anymore or when I do finally break it's going to be seriously bad. I just don't know.