Trapped

I feel so lost still. Im angry and numb all at the same time. I want to cry and get it all out but I just can't. And I feel so stupid. Things haven't really been all that great in our relationship before this happened but I just glossed it all over, made excuses or pretended everything was fine. I've felt like there was something missing for awhile now. But what the hell can you expect when you go from one fucked up marriage straight into another fucked up situation. I feel so ashamed. Im petrified of change and because of it Im stuck. I have kids to think about and I have virtually no skills so that I can support them on my own. Im trapped once again. I don't know if I'm here because I want to be or because I need to be. I look at other aspects of my life and realize how different things could be. But I fucked it all up. In some aspects I know Im a damn good mother but in others Im a complete failure. And as I type this little rant of mine, I can't help but let a few tears escape. The strange part is, Im not crying because of the messed up stuff with my husband, I'm crying because I feel like a complete failure to my children. What kind of mother let's herself get trapped into depending on somebody else not just once, but twice?! What am I teaching my kids? But I also see the difference in kids who go to daycare all day versus when a parent can be home with them. My kids are so smart and we have such great connections. But is it worth the price that it feels like we're paying? So many questions. So little answers.